a hundred pieces of me | Thoughts

Stories, memories, occasions and time that goes in towards making us. A few years ago, I packed all my clothes and other possessions in multiple bin bangs, laid it out in front of our main door. Soaking in the cool air, underneath the black sky I felt somewhat liberated even though I was in the verge of giving up the life I knew so well in trade for something so ‘’out of my league’’ if I can put it like that. A ting of sadness did linger on as I walked back to the house feeling somewhat guilty for leaving everything behind. The moment was momentous because it was one of those times when I made a proactive decision to change the course of my life. Every now and again it is good to declutter our life, just to peek at the other side.

   The same way I was reading this book a while ago when a protagonist was stuck with terminal disease which caused her to take some major life decisions. That got me thinking why we need something horrible to happen to us in order to change the way we look at life. Why it cannot be done when everything is going smooth. The time life is going well we are inside this warm bubble where everything is fine –even me I wouldn’t have thought about leaving everything behind if were not for the terrible news that knocked on the door of my ignorant life. Going with the flow, never questioning or seeking anything else than what I have in front of me irrespective of if its good or bad.

   To embrace letting go of certain memories not just material stuff but actual people, events and recollections. It would be so much better to able to get a move on with everything that is happening now without dwelling on past and what happened then. As I was contemplating with the idea of letting go and liking life as it was my currently very effervescent sister felt the need to recommend me watching ‘’FROZEN’’ for the umpteenth time so I can get in sync with the theme of ‘’let it go’’.

    On a mild hot September day, I got to work of decluttering my wardrobe. A hefty work I must say as I am very attached to everything I own not because it is expensive –70% of my wardrobe consists of Primark –but the sentimental value of it all. I tend to shop for books when I am sad but occasionally, I do go for clothes. Once, sat on the New Look grey sofa trying on a fancy high heel when my gaze fell on the brightly lit mirror stating very boldly ‘’whoever said shopping doesn’t make you happy, they clearly didn’t know where to shop’’. This couldn’t be far from the truth. Even after buying multiple items I was pouring my eyes out on the kitchen sink feeling somewhat suffocated, nothing I did made me feel any better. One of those days. Shopping, wearing the best clothes to having it all nothing can cover the inner turmoil one feels when ‘’shit hit the roof’’ as my effervescent sister likes to put it.

   From the red cashmere scarf, black and white polka dot crop top to my very favourite faded denim jeans. It was all very ruthless to get rid of these items at a time in my life where pretty much everything was settled. A very peculiar feeling took possession of me, overwhelmed with the flow of memories rushing back. The faded denim jeans that I wore throughout the whole of 2018 when every possible thing that could go wrong went wrong. It represented all the struggles, agony and petrifying time that I dealt with. A symbolism that I made it now.

   I was very hesitant of letting go of the clothes at first, but I knew it’s not the clothes but the memories I was afraid to forget. The more I hold onto these items it will only go towards in unwanted emotions building up, forcing me to remember about events which are better to erase. It was time to free the caged bird to float into the open sky, to make new memories by not being captive of the past. As Elsa sang from the top of her voice it’s time to ‘’let it go’’.

Thanks, so much for reading xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s