Daylight I miss you.
Winter can be very interesting either being the cosiest time of the year, blissfully tucked away from worries with your loved ones or the complicity of life engulfing you at every scene. Stuck with grey, merciless cold nights –alone, feeding yourself everything but positivity. Contentment. The word is heavy. It feels quite something if put through microscope. I have learned through many different angles of life –it is in small moments, in those idyllic seconds, minutes and hours where one feels truly alive. Short days are signature to winter. This holiday season may we all appreciate what we have –take a leaf out of the memory tree –observe how far we have come from yesterday. May happiness sparkle in your home like the bright lights of Christmas tree.
I on the other hand had couple of rough weeks. I have had better days. November has a bitter relationship with me, thus far I have concluded. Like the trees change in every season: the mint green colour of the trees in spring then the sunlight arrowing through the branches of the tree in summer to colourful autumn leaves and finally in winter, the trees become bare of leaf –I know deep down this shall pass too. That’s the nature of the world. Sometimes though it all becomes overwhelming, agony gripped in every corner –I try to embed the gratefulness because somewhere out there in the vast world, someone might be having a much worse time than me but continuing to smile. Put aside the selfish thoughts and, heavy burden of materialistic life –extend a helping hand to those who might need it. I found kindness is the way to shield oneself from pain.
I woke up today with a peculiar restless energy –grabbing my phone, automatically tapping to Instagram then to reading articles about gratitude. In many of those articles one item that popped up quite frequently was write down three things you are thankful for. This seems simple enough. Blank piece of paper and selecting the best pen I could find scattering around the house; I try to think. After 10 minutes or so thinking about politics to the unfair rules of the world I give up. To my amusement I am walking as the rain dotting on my face, turning south to the CO-OP buying myself the richest, indulgent chocolate cake I could find. It felt like angles dancing inside my mouth. At every mouthful guiltfree cake for breakfast –savouring the taste –I could think of all the things I am thankful for. Standing by the kitchen sink the feeling did not last for too long as I could feel my energy leaking away by the minute. Right about then I felt so very exhausted. I find myself thinking about the long, narrow railway tracks, and the merciless junctions. Life then felt like repeating the same rhythm for as long as I could remember. This frustrating me more than ever.
3:30: The greyness of the world is floating around me, the tangled thoughts but nothing will settle in my brain. They melt away like snowflakes as soon as they touch me.
After doing mountain of laundry as I reach for the crisp pages of the new book, a memory skims the back of my mind, moving too fast for me to place it: I am filled with a sudden glow of contentment, a deep-red sort of Christmassy anticipation that warps round me like a sudden soft blanket of joy. I am not sure what it is. But it feels good. Despite the aching pain, frustration, lingering sense of time just passing by –something just clicking into place.
Putting the book down, glancing at the calendar again; couple of weeks left in the decade, feels odd to even acknowledge that. 2020. Oh my. I sit on the sofa again, tagging at the pick hot water bottle –slowly closing my eyes: It should be alright.
Sometimes exasperation eats you away –left with dust of yesterday and every day. This is when know somewhere out there –universe or what you believe in are making plans. Something good. Faint of sunshine battling its way among the dense raw of clouds. The sun would break out and soon spread its light. Summer is on her way.
This one for me and you too –one finger crossed –together on our way back to happiness.
Thanks, so much for reading xxx