Hi, I hope you are doing well.
What’s happening? A lot and at the same time not so much. This pandemic is going on forever. For starters, I am *very* emotional. I cry at everything from watching Masterchef, conversations to reading, frankly, too many tears. Too much suffering in this world, ruthless virus to the power struggle in America —everything. Fair to say I am not coping very well. Finding it hard to keep my emotion intact. I know a lot of positivity is out here in the blogging sphere, looking at the brighter side despite everything but I am finding it difficult. This lockdown got to me. Staying at home constantly, being away from friends/loved ones, it’s taking a toll.
On a brighter note, A lot of positive things are happening in my personal life and I am grateful for it. After a very long time, life is moving forward. Good things are happing. This year has started really well. You would think that life is so good right now, I would be happy but I forgot what’s it like to be happy. I just feel overwhelmed. I got so used to being sad all the time, I don’t know what it’s like to feel otherwise. And my favourite fear. I am just so darn scared all the time. Of change. Of good things. Of future.
~~I would look out the window –the sun began its decent, blistering the sky with red and gold. Then darkness. Everything felt never ending. It was terrifying as the emptiness start to invade my whole existence. During those long nights I would often crave happiness. ~~Written in late 2018~
For so long, I wanted to be happy now I forgot what’s it like to be that. Maybe I will figure it out again. Maybe I need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how I feel, stop deciding exactly what I want, and just see what happens. Maybe.
This year if I were to make any resulation I hope —I can be brave. I want to be courageous. Take chance in life. To embrace everything that comes in my way. Be optimistic. And stop being afraid. As the wise words of Oprah you only get what you have the courage to ask for. I want to live by that. The anxiety, especially, in the last couple of years has destroyed the sense of everything will be fine. I am constantly worrying. And I want to stop that. I want to learn to let go of fear and start living again without the baggage of something bad happening. To sing, to laugh, to dance. Take on the world -so help me God.
On another note, thank you all for your lovely comments on my post How To Live —I appreciate it. I had a blast reading your thoughts. It was a very personal post. As you might be aware if you are reading me for a while, I am always thinking too much about life and it’s nice to know your thoughts are not much different from mine. You all are angels. And I appreciate you! Because of your continuous support, I write despite not feeling motivated at all. Currently feeling a bit insecure about my writing but I will carry on nonetheless for it brings a huge smile to my face. All these words. To have a safe place to share the tangled thoughts.
Here’s to being brave and being happy.