”Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror just keep going no feeling is final
7:00 The rain drummed persistently on the windowpanes, and I welcomed the coolness it brought. Again I am sat listening to the rhythm of the trickling rain while admiring the blooming pink roses just in front of the house. Nature is a thing of beauty –one got to take a moment and appreciate it. I understand why people moved miles away from home to be nearer to the county side because it moves the veil and allows light in.
There was a time many years ago I believed with every fibre in my being I’d never be happy again. I almost felt all the doors closing, opportunities shut, light diminishing –all alone to deal with the messiness of being in an unfortunate situation. Now having the ability to do all the things I knew I couldn’t do feels me with an acute sense of relief. Today I put away the dishes then stood in the garden and let summer rain soak me to my skin. I felt so alive and quietly euphoric I wanted to reach back through time to tell me I was wrong. For those that didn’t know I have had mental health issues and still do, the phases of extreme sadness that have no real explanation to glimpses strength to get to the other side. In those moments when I force myself to look at life differently and let myself hope because I know how important it is too long for better days –without it, the lingering void will grow until it comes you. Always remember the intensity of whatever you are feeling now will not last and that a fact. Nothing ever does. As I said before I do struggle with the fear of something will go wrong but I am not where I was before. And I also know not to trust depression anymore. Feelings are not facts.
You know there was a time I used to hate changes. I would actively work towards ensuring everything remain the same. Not long ago, I am so prone to dislike changes -I was reading a book that triggered all the emotions that change brings with it –I fell into an evening filled with sulkiness and shutting myself off from everything. How it goes from 0 to 100 I would never know. For those days I just let the emotions wash over me and try to have an early night in. There’s no point in forcing myself to feel better because all it does is a mess with your head, it’s best left alone. Mostly it’s a time thing and the next day I would feel better. This is why a good night sleep is fundamental in recharging yourself and shaking yourself from those niggling worries and stress.
Related: Change Of Prespective | Thoughts
The point being I have learned over the years, I cannot let everything stay the same. It’s not possible. Yes, changes can be terrifying but it is necessary for growth. One thing I know about anxiety is that it makes everything 100 times worse than it is. When I breathe and take everything in rather than going off the emergency signals my brain sends me I know I am okay. I am safe. I can handle this. When I talk about things changing I mean just that. Things change. Even if they don’t disappear. We can work on our response to the situation at hand. We can reframe aspects of how we see things.
For today I want to invite you to look at the bright side, appreciate the summer rain. We may not get the sun every day but rain too, brings warmth, a fresh start and wild air. If only we can put on our raincoats, wellies and maybe grabbing an umbrella –making those paper boats float in the puddles. A rainy day calls for reflections and I hope like me you can find an appreciation of life and summer rain.